Vandemonium!

Local Flavor!

2011-08-26T09:28:00.001-07:00

Hardwoods in a van? And check out that back window!

We're Back

2011-08-18T08:35:00.000-07:00

Fuck all the imitators! We're back!

Worth the Price?

2008-03-28T15:33:00.000-07:00

$700 for a 77 Chevy?

http://portland.craigslist.org/mlt/car/622177742.html

Worth the Price?

2008-03-19T15:03:00.001-07:00

The van below is currently listed at $899. You tell me, fine viewers, is it worth the price?

"You need a ride?"

2008-03-10T15:43:00.001-07:00

Whatever you do, don't accept a van-ride from this fine specimen...

$20 to whoever correctly guesses where this dude is from!

Heart Breaker!

2008-01-01T15:08:00.000-08:00

Sorry about all the video posts, but I just realized there's probably some crazy YouTube van videos in the depths of the internets...

The Mind of a Vanner...

2008-01-01T15:05:00.000-08:00

Basic Beauty

2007-10-03T16:05:00.000-07:00

I think I've decided that when I get a van (notice I finally dropped the "if"), it's going to be in this style - large back window, and that's about it. I think it's got the best layout for a mural, and just can come across as completely scary as hell...

File me under "WTF?"

2007-08-21T14:42:00.000-07:00

We get a lot of chuckles and guffaws around here, thinking about hot vans and the weirdos who drive them. But have you ever really met a van owner? I once went to check out a custom van in south central Washington, and after pulling up the dirty stone road to the dude's place, I realized I was scared to death.

But who are they? What do they do? Well, your answer has been found...

UPDATE: When it rains, it pours

Queer Eye for the Van Guy?

2007-06-04T17:44:00.000-07:00

Man, that heading makes no fucking sense. But what else should we call this segment, where we present a blank-canvas van, and you describe a fitting mural? DIY Van Mural - so boring? Suggest a name for this segment, and then tell me what type of mural would go best with the following van.

I'm honestly thinking about a desert Southwest or Aztec theme, but not in that whole annoying "Indians-selling-turquoise at every corner" type of way with a wolf on a mesa howling (although we all know that shit would be boss).

Here's how it'd go down - Teotihuacan style, with those crazy block pyramids found in Mexico and Central America. Obviously we're gonna have a real warm-color motif rockin, so I'm thinking on one side is like the back of some crazy chieftain with a sacrifice on the altar (and yes, I'd be willing to plunk a naked chick on there), all ready to slit her throat and bleed her out for the good of the city. Maybe the other side could be like a long shot of the whole scene, with the pyramids and ceremony in the distance, and a full-on embodiment of the scene. Who knows - maybe some Conquistadors looking in or something? Oh man, this has got all types of weird shit stewing in my head. But lots of red, yellow and orange (maybe some dark blue/black in the sky as contrast?), and mad thunder raining down. Plus, some of those crazy Aztec symbols and what not.

Why Windows Matter...

2007-05-01T10:55:00.000-07:00

It's time ladies and gents, its time to get serious, to get weird, and well, to probably scare a few of our more squeamish readers.

That's right - its time to talk outfitting your rig with custom windows.

What kind of windows person are you? Are you the scary contractor type that goes completely dark, save the front windshield? Or are you the weird divorced dude that wears really high teal pleated shorts and a check-pattern shirt, with a ruddy complexion, big ol' receding hairline, and a grin like a retard just shit on your shoe, rockin the 1986 Vandura with more windows than you can smile your toothless grin at?

Me...I'm a simple man, much like the Skynard song, and I don't need a bright beam of light keeping whatevers in the back of my van illuminated at all times. Doesn't mean I don't want to know its there. So what would I go for?

So Far Behind...

2007-04-25T15:56:00.001-07:00

God, I'm sorry - I'm so lazy - I'm doing some Wednesday afternoon Van Research and I came across this little gem...

Intercultural Vandemonium

2007-03-07T13:42:00.000-08:00

Before I tell you about the paradigm-shifting van I saw yesterday, let me assure you that I am no stranger to vans, nor am I easily shaken. I have traveled in vans since childhood; enjoying the comforts of everything from hulking GMC-conversion vans (complete with fold-out third row "bed") to economical faux-vans such as the Dodge Caravan. But nothing in my experience or travels could prepare me for the van I saw yesterday. Simply put, it was a 1980s Toyota Van, sans windows. It was a Toyota Serial Killer Van. Imagine the two vans in the photos merged. Imagine a small, boxy, slightly laughable Toyota van; the sort that neo-hippie families would tote their unwashed broods in. Now imagine that very same van without windows. Suddenly it becomes a small Japanese death-dealer.

As you can imagine, my first thought was to wonder just what sort of serial killer would require such a rare hybrid. Is it a fledgling killer, someone not quite ready to graduate to the big leagues of murderous van-dom? Or is it a serial killer in his golden years, someone whose killing spree has tapered off to the occasional abduction and torture of a drifter or two? It is hard to say. Perhaps it belongs to a new kind of killer entirely; someone who requires low gas mileage and Japanese design in his rolling abattoir. Whatever the case may be, the Toyota Serial Killer van is a development that I believe requires close attention and careful scrutiny.

Saturday Night Scaremonger

2007-02-26T08:44:00.000-08:00

I guess the only reason these two pictures really stand out from the rest of the shady van sightings is that I don't ever remember taking these pictures. And is that a giant cabinet/cupboard/cardboard box in the back?

Sometimes people say I drink too much...

If I had worn my brown pants and cream sweater, I don't think you would've been able to spot me against that van...

FYI - I believe its an 85 Dodge Ram Van, but I'm not sure what options its working with?

This Van has definitely done its share of Rockin!

2006-12-08T13:09:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa Claus,

I didn't shit in public once this year. And I haven't been in jail for like four months. You fuckin owe me!

I want what's rightfully mine, so if I don't find this perfect specimen in my driveway come Christmas Day, you might as well add me to that bad list in permanent marker. Don't worry, I'll bring a Sharpie when I come find you, mutherfucker...

Best
Robbie "Candyman" Buchalder

Holy Shirt!

2006-12-06T09:54:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the absence! I just recently escaped a crazed fan. Seriously, in my late-night escape, I snapped some pics of the vehicle that had grabbed me.

"Run, you fools!"

Don't Get Too Close!

2006-10-03T14:25:00.000-07:00

Umm, yeah, this is about as close as we'll ever get to an actual shady van. I can't tell if that flasher is actually on, or if the camera illuminated it. If it's on, then something bad was definitely going down in the back...

All I know is its pretty dangerous to be flauntin' around a van like that. By the by, the tires definitely don't match on this little Copper gem. But there was some Foghat playing in the distance...

Man vs. Beast er...Bird...er...what?

2006-09-26T16:12:00.000-07:00

I was hoping this was a picture of an Eagle crying over the Grand Canyon, but I was pleasantly surprised... I think that dude is about to be eaten by a fucking hawk!

Slow Day

2006-09-25T16:09:00.000-07:00

The thing I can't get over about this little gem is that the windows on either side aren't symmetrical. That sort of blew my mind, thinking that on one side, I could have customized sunshine and rainbow stained glass windows, and the other a giant customized Grim Reaper window, staring the world down.

I'm kind of on the fence about camper vans, mostly because I feel like they're a cop out - almost more utility vehicle than good ol' fashioned "hot on the heels" abduction mobile.

I guess I'll put it to you in the comments to tell me your thoughts.

Party on Wheels!

2006-09-25T16:06:00.000-07:00

Ummmm, is that thing pink? Jeeeeeesus christ, this is some NAMBLA shit I don't even want to touch with Chet Arthur's old Escort...

Canandaigua Homecoming circa 2007

2006-09-14T15:13:00.000-07:00

Well folks, I have downloaded and mailed my application for permit to enter next year's Canandaigua Homecoming Parade. I was a bit late this year, but I've found the perfect chariot to keep all my ex's swooning on my triumphant return to Dullsville. Behold:

So who cares about this van, right? Well, I for fucking one do, because it's the school colors (Cherry and Gray, bitches), and I'll be fulfilling my patriotic duties of scaring up some Ontario Country trim - all the benefits of white trash without any of the guilt!

It'll be perfect, the theme is probably going to be board games, so I'll easily slide in between the giant Hungry Hippo float and the poorly constructed Connect 4 Board.

What accessories (besides rope) should I bring to this event:
Old Canandaigua Football Jersey (check)
Dollar Store Condoms (check)
30 Pack of Genessee Cream Ale (check)

I'm not crazy about those windows though, so I think I'll put in custom curtains, something along the lines of "Go Braves" with this logo:

Van-Off!

2006-09-06T11:59:00.000-07:00

Which van and why? Leave your thoughts in the comments...

Children Beware...

2006-09-01T14:08:00.000-07:00

I just read this...

And all I could think about was this:

Serial Killer Van Hall of Fame

2006-08-25T09:32:00.000-07:00

From A&E's "American Justice" to mediocre network dramas to CrimeLibrary.com, serial killers are a never-industry. They're as much an American staple as wheat. But while killers grant interviews from death row and auction autographed prison mail on eBay, who remembers the vans that made so much of their horror possible? What becomes of these soldiers of the street -- are they left to languish in some backwoods junkyard? Not if Vandemonium has a say.

So we've created the Serial Killer Van Hall of Fame, and there's no better inaugural van than the silver 1977 GMC cargo number driven by Roy Norris and Lawrence "Pliers" Bittaker. While many a serial killer has driven a van, Norris and Bittaker might have been the only ones to name theirs. They christened their terror-on-wheels "Murder Mack," permanently cementing their place in serial killer lore.

The two met in 1978, while serving time an assorted rape and burglary charges in a San Luis Obispo prison. While kicking around the courtyard, they soon discovered they had a few things in common -- primarily rapin' and killin'. There, the two hatched an ingenious plan whereby they would kidnap and murder a girl from each teen age (i.e., one 13-year-old, one 14-year-old, etc.).

Upon their release, these two had nothing but a gleam in their eyes and a hunger in their hearts. But, in true Horatio Alger fashion, Bittaker tracked down a beauty of a van -- a glistening 1977 GMC cargo whose passenger-side sliding door would, in Bittaker's words, allow them to "pull up real close and not have to open the doors all the way" to snatch a teen from the sidewalk.

After a rocky start, the two figured it would be best if one hid under the bed in the rear, believing they'd have an easier time luring doe-eyed waifs who thought this was a Solitary Man Van. Then, as soon as the teen stepped inside Murder Mack, the one hiding would spring forth Ashton Kutcher-like, to punk the unsuspecting hitcher. And by "punk," we mean "torture to death with pliers."

This worked so well that the two stopped doing their rapin' and killin' at a destination site, preferring to go ahead and do things right there in Murder Mack, creating their very own crime-scene-on-wheels. It was a tremendous innovation in the serial killing business.

While some suspect Norris and Bittaker murdered scores of women, they were only convicted of five murders. As for Murder Mack's fate, not much is known. Anyone having information about the fate of this remarkable van is urged to contact the Hall of Fame, so we can offer a complete bio of one of the van world's unsung heroes.

This Is How We Van: City of Industry, CA

2006-08-23T17:39:00.000-07:00

RAMEY: So if you were Mayor of the City of Industry, what would you do about this van?

MALISOW: The first thing I'd do is incorporate it into the City of Industry Fourth of July parade.

R: how? In my vision of the parade it would come last of all, after the police cars, sort of half-idling.

M: That's a good question. There are so many options. But no matter if I placed it dead last, like you, or somewhere in the middle, it will be dispensing candy. The sliding door will be open about eight inches or so, just wide enough for a single hand to jut out with an empty box of Whoppers. And even though the fire trucks and Shriners cars will be playing "Stars and Stripes Forever" on roof-mounted P.A.'s, the van will offer its own brand of patriotism by blasting "Stanglehold."

R: Yes! Then once dusk came, and the revelers started to go home, the van would make its way to the nearest Shell, pick up a sixer of Tecate and then idle in the general direction of the nearest theater showing "Material Girls," starring Hilary and Hayley Duff.

J.C. NULL: If you ask me, the candy that the van is handing out should be black licorice, and it should be playing the song that the ice cream truck normally plays. This van looks like it really digs the children... and at the end of the parade though, shouldn't the van ominously follow a small group of kids, and maybe a pregnant mom, periodically revving its engine?

R: Dude! I can see it now... the kiddies grab hold of a long strand of black licorice, and then next thing you know.... whoosh! into the van. Are there children in City of Industry? I don't recall seeing any...

M: Actually, I could see this van trying to pull a trick like staging a Fourth of July parade on December 12th. The kids it's primarily interested in can't conceptualize calendar dates, so it'd be pretty easy. Their parents would be off doing something, and the kids, hearing the ice-cream-truck jingle, would wander off to watch the fake parade — I imagine this van would have some of its van friends pretend to be fire trucks and whatnot. Even though it'd be December and pretty cold outside, the kids would not be able to put two and two together until it's too late.

R: It bears mentioning that there is a film called City of Industry starring Harvey Keitel. The plot description is as follows: "A retired thief swears revenge on the lunatic who murdered his brother and partner, while going on the run with the jewelry they stole." How much you wanna bet they used this van?

JCN: Do you think this van convinced like a dune buggy or a john deere gator to play the part of those small cars that the shriners drive?

And yes, the kids this van is searching for are definitely not going to have a problem attending a parade for "Paul Herman's 2nd Acquittal" day or something like that...

Snow Cone Flavors served by the accomplice Vending Truck:

Rape Grape

Popped the Cherry

Raspy Voice Berry

StrawBerry'd in the backyard

Sodomy Orange (fuck it, I'm done trying)

When Van Themes Go Wrong

2006-08-18T14:40:00.000-07:00

Look, I love ninjas. I think they're cool how they're all silent and sneaky, and their swords can cut the red off a Baboon's ass. But one place that does not bode well for ninjas is the side of a van...

Case and Point:

Seriously, this is an awesome van, sans mural. I believe it's a Chevy shortbox street van originally.

Bad: A ninja with a bow and arrow. Where is the killer blade? Or some nunchucks, or those knives that Raphael used to have on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?
Good: Three fucking slim windows over the back wheel; Killer exterior blind on the rear window; choice rear spoiler
Better: Well, well, well...

Do you see this interior? It's like blood fucking red crushed velvet! This dude is lucky I don't live near him and I haven't been drinking Ol' Grandad, or he'd find me buck naked rolling around in this thing at 3 AM.

I just got back from Vegas, and this interior is 1000 times better than the jib joint we stayed at. Matching velvet curtains, people! Those three slim windows are the perfect look-out for when you're slidin into home with the tall drink of water you just met at the local A&P or Town Square Dance. This dude knows why you pick a ponytail over pigtails...

So who is this diabolical mastermind? Where did he get his inspiration? Well...

1. He's german.
2. This van resides in Germany.
3. The all-black kind of freaks me out.

My german translation skills have crapped the bed, but this guy is automatically entered into our "Van Owner of the Year" competition. And if you ever see this guy on the street, I leave it up to you whether you should shake his hand or run like hell...

For Those About to Van...

2006-08-18T08:30:00.000-07:00

WE SALUTE YOU!

Alright, enough of the bullshit. Respect this goddammed van, because this Dutch creator knew way more than he (or she - yeah right) led on.

This is an onion van, and it's time to take off all the vantastic layers.

First: The window. Yes, I know it's only a single window, and here at Vandemonium we live by the moniker "More Windows, More Victims." But this one is different, notably because it sports both the identity-concealing purple window tint AND a set of awesome curtains. It's not enough that you can recognize the face of that child trapped inside, this professional doesn't want to take the chance of you even knowing anyone is inside.

Second: Mismatching tires - nothing says (with a low, gravelly voice) "You need a ride?" like a set of loner Bridgestones.

Third: Three-tone background paint. I can't stress this enough - if you want to come to the party, you better bring your A-game. Two-tone is so 1989 Ford Econoline, but three-tone paint tells all your fellow van enthusiasts that your mullet is for rockin, your fists are for sockin', and you're wanted for kidnapping in 5 states...

Also notice the rust on the wheel-wells. Perfect amount - not spotless, but not showing off.

Fourth: The mural. What can I say? Really, what the fuck would you say to this guy if you saw him get into this van? I guess, after my initially pang of fear subsided and I realized there were no children within 500 yards of this thing, I'd probably have the following conversation:

"Dude, sweet van - I dig that mural? Is that a viking ship?"
"You a cop?"
"Nahhh man, just a fellow van enthusiast like yourself. Good, upstanding American folk."
"My cousin painted the mural - he fucked it up though."
"Let me guess, you wanted that horse to be a unicorn?"
"Nah, wanted a bigger rack on the chick."
"Good point, good point. The purple does a great job in bringing out the wings of the horse. Where are they going, anyway?"
"To a special place..."
"Oh yeah, like the Neverending Story or some shit?"
"No, my brother's house in Red Fork, Idaho."
"Awesome, awesome. What's in Red Fork?"
"You sure you ain't a cop?"

At this point, he'd open the side door, and I'd see either a blood-stained tan shag carpet coating the interior of the van OR it'd just be bare metal, with some My Little Ponies piled in the corner. And he'd have a dog, probably named "Buford" or "Enis" or something...

"My daughter's..." he'd say, nodding towards the pile of toys and trailing off.
"Take care bud, stay strong and keep vanning."
By this time, he's already peeled out of the parking lot, Thin Lizzy blaring on the speakers and a fresh Pall Mall hangin from his lip.

I'd then go home and wash my hands like 200 times and say a prayer.

Once Upon a Time in Montana

2006-08-14T12:29:00.000-07:00

So. I'm driving along this highway in Montana, halfway between Kalispell and Missoula, minding my own business and helping myself to some Taco Bell. It was a beautiful day, I had just been hiking and the glory of the mountains had me in a terrific mood, etc.

Then I saw these.

Let's consider them one at time.

1.) The maroon one.
Hello?? Does that look like a giant, blacked-out mural to anyone else? It sure does to me. Let's speculate on what sort of image is under there. A giant tiger leaping through the brush? An Indian with a spear? But why black such magnificent paintings out? I think it's a mural of the driver himself, which he immediately had to paint over as soon as said image appeared on America's Most Wanted. I think the image looked something like this:

Oh. My. God.

2.) The blue one.

This use of color almost makes it non-threatening (so fun! so playful!). WRONG. so wrong. enjoy this van's color scheme at your own risk.

These two vans together are like Sauron and Sauroman. Lord Vader and... whoever that Chancellor guy was. Bush and Cheney. Don't you get the feeling that the maroon van is the experienced, evil van and it's teaching the blue van the ways of the dark side? "Hey, friend, wanna take an innocent trip to the elementary school later on? Nothing major, we'll just idle around for a while... then maybe pick up a sixer of Schlitz and hit the playground on Rte. 4..."

Anatomy of a Van...

2006-08-07T12:31:00.000-07:00

I'm a simple man, and I like simple vans, and I remember the day I scoped this van out near Richmond and Dunlavy in Houston, TX. I had to circle the block 3 times because the guy that got out of it kept looking around and hanging real close, like he was going to bolt.

Points of interest on this van:

1. Rear Ladder - In case you gotta climb on top of your van to jump the fence into the orphanage, the rear ladder provides a discrete, albeit useful means of going the extra mile.

2. Giant Paint Splash - Can't afford that lovely two or three-tone conversion van (1985 Dodge would be my choice)? Easy solution - just toss on some leftover white paint you found in the garage of your last vic. Plays hell when cops are trying to track you down...

3. All-Metal Spare Cover with license plate mount - Sadly, Texas now requires two plates on your car, but man oh man, back when they allowed a single plate, this was the perfect accessory. With Johnny Law hot on your tracks, a strategic jerk on the steering wheel could send this pre-loosened spare tire flying into the ditch, along with any identification or hope of finding that missing child.

DISCLAIMER: I am going to hell. No need to remind me. And my car is already full, so if you need a ride, talk to this dude:

Carpeted Wonder

2006-08-06T11:29:00.000-07:00

This van was for sale recently in the Greater Portland area. The owner listed it with the headline "MUST SELL NOW," which I think clearly indicates the severity of the crime (or crimes) committed via it. He mentioned also that it features "a sleeping area," "storage" and an "ice box." Do with that what you will.

The van was purchased eight hours after being posted. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go research how many Amber Alerts went out in the 24-hour-period following.