Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Intercultural Vandemonium

Before I tell you about the paradigm-shifting van I saw yesterday, let me assure you that I am no stranger to vans, nor am I easily shaken. I have traveled in vans since childhood; enjoying the comforts of everything from hulking GMC-conversion vans (complete with fold-out third row "bed") to economical faux-vans such as the Dodge Caravan. But nothing in my experience or travels could prepare me for the van I saw yesterday. Simply put, it was a 1980s Toyota Van, sans windows. It was a Toyota Serial Killer Van. Imagine the two vans in the photos merged. Imagine a small, boxy, slightly laughable Toyota van; the sort that neo-hippie families would tote their unwashed broods in. Now imagine that very same van without windows. Suddenly it becomes a small Japanese death-dealer.

As you can imagine, my first thought was to wonder just what sort of serial killer would require such a rare hybrid. Is it a fledgling killer, someone not quite ready to graduate to the big leagues of murderous van-dom? Or is it a serial killer in his golden years, someone whose killing spree has tapered off to the occasional abduction and torture of a drifter or two? It is hard to say. Perhaps it belongs to a new kind of killer entirely; someone who requires low gas mileage and Japanese design in his rolling abattoir. Whatever the case may be, the Toyota Serial Killer van is a development that I believe requires close attention and careful scrutiny.


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