Wednesday, August 23, 2006

This Is How We Van: City of Industry, CA



RAMEY: So if you were Mayor of the City of Industry, what would you do about this van?

MALISOW: The first thing I'd do is incorporate it into the City of Industry Fourth of July parade.

R: how? In my vision of the parade it would come last of all, after the police cars, sort of half-idling.

M: That's a good question. There are so many options. But no matter if I placed it dead last, like you, or somewhere in the middle, it will be dispensing candy. The sliding door will be open about eight inches or so, just wide enough for a single hand to jut out with an empty box of Whoppers. And even though the fire trucks and Shriners cars will be playing "Stars and Stripes Forever" on roof-mounted P.A.'s, the van will offer its own brand of patriotism by blasting "Stanglehold."

R: Yes! Then once dusk came, and the revelers started to go home, the van would make its way to the nearest Shell, pick up a sixer of Tecate and then idle in the general direction of the nearest theater showing "Material Girls," starring Hilary and Hayley Duff.

J.C. NULL: If you ask me, the candy that the van is handing out should be black licorice, and it should be playing the song that the ice cream truck normally plays. This van looks like it really digs the children... and at the end of the parade though, shouldn't the van ominously follow a small group of kids, and maybe a pregnant mom, periodically revving its engine?

R: Dude! I can see it now... the kiddies grab hold of a long strand of black licorice, and then next thing you know.... whoosh! into the van. Are there children in City of Industry? I don't recall seeing any...

M: Actually, I could see this van trying to pull a trick like staging a Fourth of July parade on December 12th. The kids it's primarily interested in can't conceptualize calendar dates, so it'd be pretty easy. Their parents would be off doing something, and the kids, hearing the ice-cream-truck jingle, would wander off to watch the fake parade — I imagine this van would have some of its van friends pretend to be fire trucks and whatnot. Even though it'd be December and pretty cold outside, the kids would not be able to put two and two together until it's too late.

R: It bears mentioning that there is a film called City of Industry starring Harvey Keitel. The plot description is as follows: "A retired thief swears revenge on the lunatic who murdered his brother and partner, while going on the run with the jewelry they stole." How much you wanna bet they used this van?

JCN: Do you think this van convinced like a dune buggy or a john deere gator to play the part of those small cars that the shriners drive?
And yes, the kids this van is searching for are definitely not going to have a problem attending a parade for "Paul Herman's 2nd Acquittal" day or something like that...
Snow Cone Flavors served by the accomplice Vending Truck:

Rape Grape
Popped the Cherry
Raspy Voice Berry
StrawBerry'd in the backyard
Sodomy Orange (fuck it, I'm done trying)

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